Schvitz Etiquette…We Have Chaos!

Posted by Howard
on January 2nd, 2009

I am surprised by two things as 2009 begins:

1. The calm nature of the markets and Americans in General despite the savage losses of 2008.

2. The complete breakdown of ‘SCHVITZ’ etiquette.

For you gentiles, ‘SCHVITZ’ is a yiddish term that means ‘SWEAT’ and that’s my term for a steam room. There are a few sacred places for me and one happens to be at my health club down the street.

There are some century old ‘UNWRITTEN’ rules of a schvitz. Many of the rules are simple COMMOM SENSE.

Pretty much anything goes if you have the schvitz to yourself. I try and time my schvitz’s for low traffic times to increase my odds of being alone. Being alone I can avoid the awkard conversations and throat clearing and just general lack of hygiene from the other cretins at my health club.

This weekend I just needed a schvitz despite knowing it would be crowded. I did not take my razor (etiquette) and took extra towels so that I could repel others sweat from gracing my body. Head down, walk in, schvitz hard,extra towel over head and out.

What I was dealt though is something that sent schvitz etiquette back 2000 years. Some complete YUTZ (let’s call him Lee because that’s his name) that I have had the misfortune of investing with in a failed restaurant venture was sprawled out on his towel along one of the steps and just doing his complete stretching routine. NO TOP TOWEL COVERAGE.

More sickening is that the other YUTZ’s in the schvitz had accepted this behavior. I fired off a quick warning towel snap at the hideous, and worse yet HAIRY disgusting man, and recommend he stop using our schvitz as his personal ‘HOT YOGA’ studio.

If I had seen this behavior before I had invested in his dumb restaurant, it would have been obviosu to me not to give the idiot one nickel.

As a new Lindzon rule of 2009 all first job interviews (male and female) will take place in the schvitz. If you don’t have the common sense to behave in a shvitz, you won’t last a week working with me.

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